Entry Date: June 2009

Journal Entry #2 – Regrets / Gratitude
No matter how much sobriety I achieve things still creep up on me from time to time. I have been clean and sober from drugs and alcohol for over three and half years now yet things from my past still bite me in the butt. I still struggle some days and when I do I have to look at all the things I’m grateful for so I don’t get caught up in the negative. Recently I have been forced to give up my final vice… smoking! As a direct result of my crack cocaine and heroin use I have nodules growing in my lungs (kinda scary!) and I have developed asthma. I put up such a fight to quit smoking just like I did with drugs and alcohol, and every other vice I have to change about myself. Someone once said to me, that everything I try to let go of has claw marks all over it! Very true for me. It’s a scary place for me to be right now, sitting in the unknown, having no control over my situation and just waiting for the results to come back. I am so lucky that have positive people around me today that are helping my through this. On a daily basis I am surrounded by people that care about my well being and support me through this difficult time. This is not unlike what I had to do when I quit drugs. I HAD to surround myself with people that wanted me to get clean and would go to any lengths with me so I could achieve that. I keep reminding myself how far I have come in these few years of sobriety, because if I don’t I will focus on the past and then I allow it to have a hold on me today. Mistakes and regrets in my past have directly affected my health today, but if I focus on that I’m living in the past and not allowing the present to mean anything. I need to focus on what I am so grateful for. I just moved into a huge two bedroom apartment with my fiancé. Three and half years ago, I went from the streets to the hospital, to treatment with a bag of stuff. From treatment I went to a recovery house with a few more bags of stuff. From the recovery house I moved into a family friends home with a car full of stuff, then to a one bedroom with MORE stuff! When my fiancé and I moved into our two bedroom we needed a moving truck to move all of our stuff! That is an amazing gift that sobriety has given me. Every time I think the past is still kicking me down, I look around and see all the gifts and achievements I have. My Mom, Dad, Step Dad, Grandparents, sisters, Fiancé, Fiancé’s family and my new AMAZING friends are people that help me everyday. See I feel better already!

Entry Date: November 2008

Journal Entry #1
My Dad is moving out of his place and into a new one; so he brought down boxes of stuff that I left at house when I lived with him before rehab. I was going through it all the other day and it took me right back to my using and drinking days. All I can say after reading my old diary is ‘Wow, I have come so damn far’. I have been sober for almost three years now, and my life has done a complete flip in a direction I never thought possible. When I wrote in those old diaries, I had no friends because I had burned so many bridges with my drug and alcohol use. I had no relationship with any family. My sisters had not spoken to me in years, and I was kicked out of my Mothers home years before that. I was drinking and using drugs to kill myself, not self medicate anymore. Today is a different story. I am engaged to a man that is one of closest friends; we give each other so much strength and love. I have the most amazing friends in the world. Thanks to a 12 step program I am surrounded by people all the time, and they are my friends. We laugh, cry, do crazy fun things together but most importantly we are always there for each others good and bad times. I am never alone today…. Ever. My Mother is my best friend; my Father and I are closer than ever. I have relationship that I never dreamt possible with my Step Dad, BOTH sisters, step sister and Grandparents. These relationships were badly burned, and it took a long time for them to get better. I had to do the work, and I continue to show them through my actions that I am trying everyday to get better. I never had to be alone, I put myself there. It had to hurt bad enough, for me to see the damage I had done and caused. Once I became accountable I was able to move forward and have relationships with people. I could never imagine being happier than I am today. Reading that old stuff also makes me so grateful to be alive and well. I would not be alive today if I did not seek help; I know that for a fact. I pay the price today with all my physical problems, but the difference is today I do not do any of it alone. That is a miracle, my life and my new friends and family are all miracles. Wow!