Entry Date: June 2009

*JOURNAL*
How could I have a drug problem if I have a good job? How could I have a drug problem if I have good grades? I always manage to date hot guys, so how could I have a drug problem?

I thought that if everything looked good on the outside, that I couldn't really be that bad. The truth was that I used all those things on the outside to hide how I was feeling on the inside. Lost, confused, alone, scared, inadequate. I would never admit to people that I felt those things. My outside appearance and accomplishments acted as a shield. They protected me from being seen for who I truly was. I felt like the harder I acted, the harder I'd eventually be. If I continued to do crazy things, I'd eventually become invincible. All of these defenses and tactics just took me further and further into my addiction. The more I focused on the outside, the harder it was for me to see that I had a drug problem.

I thought I did such a good job at hiding what was going on inside - but the reality was that everyone had seen the truth for a long time. I was the last one to see it. Unfortunately, it took me losing everything before I stopped using drugs. I dropped out of school so I had more time to get high; I went from dating hot guys my own age to guys twice my age because they had the drugs; I got fired from the jobs I loved, and every friend and family member I had turned their back on me. It took me losing all of those things on the outside to see that the problem was on the inside.

Since I got clean, I've still had a hard time focusing on the inside. I would prefer to blame my family, my childhood, my friends, my high school years or other experiences for my addiction. The reasons for my problems don't matter. All of the details just keep me from facing the inside and growing past it. When I am stuck in blame and judgment, it doesn't matter if I have a car, a hot boyfriend or a job - I am miserable. Acceptance myself and my drug problem gives me freedom to enjoy my life, inside and out. Nothing more, but nothing less than the truth. I no longer have to hide. I am free.

Entry Date: November 2008

Since I got Clean...
Since I got clean, I have learned so many things. The first thing I learned is that free from the chains of drug addiction, I now had the power of choice. I had the opportunity to choose a new reality for myself and change my old ways of life. The minute I put drugs into my body I will do anything to manipulate, deceive, or con the people in my life to get my next high – there are no longer any choices to be made as drugs are all that matter. I was no longer powered by the overwhelming drive to find and use drugs at any cost. The taste of freedom was so awesome! I could create myself into one of those people I always wanted to be.

At first, there were many things I missed about my old life. I missed my old friends, having fun, and being fearless and confident. As I continued on my new path, I started to realize that all those things came with a price.

I had nothing in common with my old friends anymore – and I actually came to see that they were pretty boring. For the longest time I thought everyone in the world does drugs, today I don’t hang out with a single person who does, and all my friends are amazing.

I have so much fun without drinking or doing drugs. At first I felt like a big dork, and I really didn’t know how to have a good time clean and sober. Slowly I learned what I really liked to do. I love to dance, watch movies, play pool, have girl’s nights, eat late night poutine, go camping, do art… I’m actually one of the most fun people I know! Who would have thought? It’s hard to imagine myself as that girl passed out on a strangers couch after partying for five days straight and puking all over their dinner table.

The confidence aspect has been an ongoing process. It is hard to trust my decisions when all the ones I made for the longest time surrounded getting high. Some of the decisions I’ve made since I changed my life have been painful ones, but slowly I have learned from my mistakes and have learned to trust what I believe, no matter what. Each time I make new decisions, and am happy with the outcome, I learn to trust myself a little more and let go of my old ways. When I feel like getting high, I just look inside myself for the answer – and trust.

If someone had told me my life would be so awesome when I was using drugs, I would have laughed in their face. So many times I had been told I had so much “potential”. The accomplishments I’ve made have been a process and this new life has come slowly. All I know is that if I stay clean and sober, anything is possible – and as the days pass, I am actually reaching the potential all those people talked about. It is no longer a distant dream; that dream of being accepted, loved, happy and amazing has become my reality – one day at a time.